life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
