I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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