dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
