I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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