3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
