Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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