I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
