these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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