I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It was confusing and full of hummus
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize