evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
