You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
