I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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