I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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