can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
