I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
