what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
