I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
