TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
