The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
In America we eat man semen.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
