Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
