Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
