Do you still have your period?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have tasted many bathrooms
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
