did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What drink are we having for lunch?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
