I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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