why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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