I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
