Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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