I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
