Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
