just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
