It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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