shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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