I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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