That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
okay pat passed out under dana's car
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
