Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
