he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
