She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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