mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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