Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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