Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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