I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
