he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
