When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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