so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
