YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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