at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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