You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
