I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
