Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
