One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
