I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
