you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
