Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
