oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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