im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
