Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
